the chain-smoking, tweenage, JUNKiE MOTher of ALL “Group activities”..


aka: "SOcial MEdia". Every so often, i take a breather from it so i don't start confusing YOUR thoughts with my own. 

UNder the right circumstances (which i do not experience as much as i'd like these days, certainly) i DO enjoy going out and socializing. And talking to complete strangers is something i've just naturally been quite comfortable with since i was about the age of 14. i like to to come and go on my own, however, and i realize that I can be off-putting to others. i realize this. i can see it in their eyes and the way they awkwardly wrap up our verbal exchange with words like "WELL.... ENJOY The rest of your weeK!".   i do not mean to make other people uncomfortable. in a way, i've found i am a lot like my rescue mutt, Scissors . It's not uncommon that i REPEL anyone i show any interest in communicating with and become noticeably mistrusting of , confused and uncomfortable by anyone who shows the slightest bit of interest in me. Appearances can be deceiving though, as both Scissors and myself - are not ANTi-social, by nature.. in short confusion, we ARE.. but we AREN't. i know i definitely feel anti-social quickly after witnessing social interactions of other people, but that seems to be more a reaction, rather than an organic state.  Social media feels FAKE as hELL though..and group (especially LARGE group) activities have always felt like punishments to me. like class field trips. so who am i kidding engaging in community interaction in the first place? 

AddenDUM(b): when i say "FAKE as hELL", i do not mean "insincere". I mean like FANTASy-world-Hell (someone else's, obviously... like literally being forced to eat dinner with a stranger's oddly-close-knit family at a T.G.I.F.® restaurant immediately after attending your best friend's cremation. You're there, but you're not. and you start to wonder if the other people at the table are actually REAL, SOLID, living, existential beings and also if you ever even HAD a best friend. Bluntly, it fucks with my perception and perCEPtion is EVERYTHING.